Cultivating Erotic Freedom: Healing from Purity Culture and Sexual Shame
Cultivating erotic freedom is potent medicine for all humans. It is the portal that opens us to our creative potential and unique gifts.
For many of us, raised in Western culture, the idea of erotic freedom is elusive, confusing, and anxiety-provoking. We long to feel free and joyful in our body and our sexual expression, but often feel that this kind of freedom and joy are just out of reach or not deserved. Some believe there must be a secret code or formula that needs to be deciphered in order to gain access to erotic abundance and flow.
The good news is erotic freedom, ease, celebration is the birthright of all humans! It is never too late to invite this beautiful, loving, powerful energy into one’s life and sexuality.
However, for many of us, in order to fully embrace a vibrant connection to the erotic, we have to first uncover, explore, and heal from deeply embedded sexual shame, and from the messages/scripts/narratives of purity culture.
THE EROTIC NOURISHES SEXUALITY
Many think of the erotic only as sex and sexuality, but the erotic encompasses much more than sex. Sex is but one aspect of the erotic.
The erotic is all things creative, all things inspirational, all things sensual, and all things vibrantly engaged with the essence of life.
We can be engaged with the pulse of erotic creativity and have it not focused on sex at all. But, in order for us to embrace sex from a pleasure-filled, positive, free, joyful, diverse, and expansive lens, it must be connected to the erotic life force.
Sex blossoms into a positive, beautiful, and creative expression of one’s life when it is nourished by the erotic.
If we want to experience sex that is free of shame, repression, and fear, we must connect to the abundance that erotic freedom, ease, and celebration offer us. When we do so, this erotic freedom creates sexual pleasure, intentionally clear desire, and joy.
Sex that is an exquisite expression of pleasure, of the unique emotional landscape of one’s inner world, of one’s physical desires, of one’s sensual inspirations and imaginings is nourished by erotic freedom, fluidity, ease, and celebration.
PURITY CULTURE AND SEXUAL SHAME: BLOCKS TO EROTIC FREEDOM
Sadly, the value and truth of erotic freedom are often misunderstood, avoided, and minimized.
I grew up in a very religious and conservative home. The messages I received about sexuality were highly restrictive, negative, and shaming.
Even if you have not been raised in a religiously conservative home, all of us living in the United States, are steeped in a culture of sex obsession and sex negativity.
Our obsession with sex does not come from a positive perspective that values a diversity of sexual expression. But rather a narrow lens founded on and driven by fear and shame. This obsessiveness originates from and is sustained by, colonialism, white supremacy, religious conservatism, and cis-heteronormativity.
These systems and world-views contribute to the philosophy behind Purity Culture and sexual shaming.
Purity culture and sexually repressive systems fear and condemn the erotic. These systems pour a massive amount of energy into spreading inaccurate, negative, restrictive, shame-based and fear-based messages about sex. They strive to control, limit, and define human sexuality according to colonialism and white supremacy principles.
Many people raised in families, religions, and other systems that are connected to purity culture fear erotic freedom, ease, and celebration. Out of this fear, sex becomes a barometer for morality.
Purity culture and sexual shame models believe that the only “good” sex is between a cisgender man and a cisgender woman, who wait until they are married to have sex, which is defined as penis/vagina intercourse.
In this world, women are given the responsibility to hide their sexuality pre-marriage, so as not to “tempt” the men. They are taught that not only are they responsible to control their own sexuality, but they also are responsible to control the sexual desires and behavior of all men with whom they come into contact. They are shamed for being sexual at all prior to marriage and shamed for being not sexual enough after marriage.
THIS MINDSET VALUES:
~Racism (white skin viewed as ideal and the only “right” kind)
~Individualism
~Toxic patriarchy
~Capitalism and Productivity
~Material wealth as a measure of superiority over “others” with less
~Competition
~Survival of the strongest
~Youth and thin-body, able-bodied people
IT DE-VALUES:
~Diverse sexual and gender identities
~Feminism
~Racial equality
~Reverence for all body types, abilities and ages
~Non-binary thinking
~Social Justice
~Rest
~Pleasure
~Erotic and sexual liberation
THE VIRGIN MYTH: DEFINING SEX AS A FINITE RESOURCE
Virginity is a social construct that is deeply harmful to humans.
Women are taught that their bodies and their sexuality can be monitored, judged, simplified and dualistically classified into virgin or not virgin. If one is a virgin, then their sexuality is “pure”, supposedly making one a more desirable and superior mate. Non-virgins are “dirty”, inferior mates, and immoral.
This kind of “virgin or not virgin”, dualistic thinking defines sexuality as property (i.e. “if you love me, you will wait to have sex with me, and not engage sexually with others prior to me because your sexuality belongs only to me”).
The virginity myth also views sex as a limited, finite resource. It values the first time of having sex as the pinnacle experience. It also teaches that once one’s virginity is lost, the value of that woman and engaging sexually with her diminishes.
The virginity myth has been created by toxic systems that privilege white, straight, cisgender men who are invested in keeping their power by keeping all others inferior.
THE SEXUAL HIERARCHY MYTH
Purity Culture and sexual shaming models categorize sexual activity. Cis-gendered, heterosexual, married, monogamous couples are seen as the “right” choice, the best choice, the most “loving” healthy choice, and the only, moral choice.
Sex for procreation is the purest and most “noble” reason for sex; sex for recreation is allowed, but severely limited. Only certain sexual activities and positions are acceptable if one engages in sex for recreation.
Penis/vagina intercourse ending in orgasm is the goal and the purest, most acceptable type of sexual activity. Other activities (kissing, genital touching, and, in some circles, oral sex if it’s allowed) serves merely to support the path to penis/vagina intercourse.
In this world of sexual hierarchy, sex is a commodity to be used as a bargaining chip: “you keep yourself “pure” for me until marriage, after marriage you are there for me according to my sexual needs. If you do these things, I will provide you with a family, a home, and a life.”
HEALING IS POSSIBLE
I believe that we can heal from sexually repressive ideas, trauma, and imprisoning mindsets.
I believe that one can heal from negative sexual scripts and beliefs, past trauma, and confusing, unfulfilling current sexual experiences and relationships. I believe we can transform these painful aspects of one’s life into positive joyful experiences that allow authentic self-expression.
I personally have healed, and continue to heal, from my own sexual shame and the negative beliefs that have caused me so much inner turmoil, grief, and a deep sense of unworthiness.
I work with clients who come from sexually repressive backgrounds and I have witnessed them let go of harmful sexual narratives, practices, and shame as they simultaneously create new, positive narratives and practices that enrich their well-being, their sexual confidence, their relationships, and their self-worth.
RECOVERING FROM
PURITY CULTURE & SEXUAL SHAME
THERAPY GROUP COMING THIS FALL!
Personally and professionally, I believe that healing from sexual shame and repression is possible.
My passion for helping humans thrive sexually and cultivate erotic freedom, has inspired me to offer a new therapy group designed to help people recover from purity culture and sexual shame.
WHO: Women who are suffering from purity culture teachings, sexual shame, and sexual repression.
WHEN: Once per month on the second Monday of each month, starting October 10th, 2022, and ending May 8th, 2023. The time of the meeting is 5 to 7 pm PST.
WHERE: Online, using the Zoom platform. Recordings will be available for those who cannot make the “live” meeting. The weeks we do not meet will be for personal integration of the materials and practices.
WHAT: Our monthly meetings will include the following:
- Time for Q/A and personal sharing (if one chooses to participate in this way).
- Psycho-sexual educational component, offering teachings from a sex-positive, all-inclusive mindset.
- Exploration of how purity culture and sexual shaming limit one’s sense of self and self-worth.
- Exploration of how purity culture detracts from an overall sense of well-being & joy.
- Exploration of how one can maintain their faith, if that is desired, while letting go of purity culture/sexual shaming.
- How to embrace and connect with one’s unique sexuality and expression.
- Practices to cultivate erotic liberation
- Guided Meditations
- Journal Prompts and Creative Writing (you do not have to be a writer to do this portion)
- I am also hoping to bring in some guests who specialize in different healing approaches or specific areas of expertise.
TUITION:
Abundance pricing = 6 spaces left
$70.00 per session
OR
$540 if all 8 sessions are paid in full at the time of registration.
If you occupy positions of privilege, consider paying this registration cost to help cover the cost of subsidized tickets. When costs are met, abundance tickets will increase compensation for the presenter.
Standard registration = 8 spaces left
$50.00 per session
OR
$380 if all 8 sessions are paid in full at the time of registration.
This ticket covers the cost of the event. If you can afford this ticket, please choose this one or the abundance pricing.
Budget registration = 6 spaces left
$40.00 per session
OR
$300 if all 8 sessions are paid in full at the time of registration.
***Just click on these two links to learn more about my thinking behind the pricing structure:
More info on class and income brackets
And more about sliding scale pricing
Please Join Me and Begin Your Healing Journey!
I am very excited about this offering. It is near and dear to my heart and soul. I see sexuality as a crucial aspect of wholeness, well-being, and joy for all humans on this earth.
I hope that you will reach out to me today, with any questions you may have so that you can carefully consider participating in this life-changing group.
More information will be coming throughout August and September, including when registration opens.
As always, Peace in the Journey,
Jane
Jane Ryan
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